Memoirs Of A Spoiled Poodle

Chelsea the canine supermodel shares her daily diary with you. SIT. STAY. GOOD BLOG!

Monday, October 31


This dog is a real dog. He lives in the states. He is known as the ugliest dog ever.
I am not kidding you. I wouldn't make this up. This dog has been on talk shows.
His owner has a bog about him also. Apparently he looks not so scary when he is licking his owner's face. If you feel so inclined do a google on "the ugliest dog ever" and you can find out more.

As for me, Breakfast television never called. I will have to be famous another way. Maybe Mama can take me on Speaker's Corner and I can give Kevin and Liza a piece of my mind for not picking me to win the pet costume contest!!!
Ok, I ain't wearing this damn thing again so for the last time....

CHELSEA, THE FEARLESS VIKING... Now that I think about it I am just as scary as that ugly dog...only scary in a cute way.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR watch it bucko, I can lick you up!

Sunday, October 30

This better be worth it....

Mama sent some photos of me to a place called Breakfast Television. The only reason I was compliant was because I know what "Breakfast" means and also the plate of treats I got after this silly photoshoot was in sight the whole time I was posing.
As far as vikings go I think I make a striking viking. I am not sure what a viking is but, they sure wear uncomfortable outfits.
Mama kept saying you can't see my eyes cuz I need to see the groomer. I am trying to avoid that groomer at all costs. Why can't I just have long hair and long nails??? Mama does!!! Not fair.

Anyhow, this Breakfast television place is having a contest for the best animal costume. I am pretty insulted to be put in the "animal" category as anyone who has the pleasure of knowing me knows I am human. A hairy, furry, drooling human but, nevertheless....I am.

I hope I win!!!

Saturday, October 29


I got locked out of my poodle room today. It was horrible. My toys are in there!
Finally Mama found me and opened the door! I was so happy to see my stuffed friends again!

Friday, October 28

I heard that word today

I heard Mama and Papa say that word. Groomer. I hate that word. I hate that place. As you can see, I am pretty furry right now. One of my eyes is covered with fur. I look like a one eyed furball.
Anyhow, I am trying to pretend all is well, my nails aren't scraping on the ground, I can see and my ears aren't itchy as heck.
I don't know how long I can do this.

Thursday, October 27

Sleeping Beauty

Mama and I slept all day. Mama was not feeling very well. I lay beside her all day and cuddled with her. We watched television, ate some chicken and slept. Overall, a GREAT day for me....not so great for Mama.

Wednesday, October 26

Itsy bitsy spider.....NOT

Mama spent the morning on the porch with the orange things that smell funny. She let me sit on the porch while she hung all kinds of scary looking things around the front of the house. She put these big spiders out on the orange things. I was not even scared....

In fact they are pretty yummy! Rubbery after taste but, overall not bad. Mama finally caught me and took it away. She says I can play with the spiders after Hallowe'en.
What is this Hallowe'en? Another strange human ritual I probably don't want to know about but, will forced to be part of.
Like when Papa brought home a big tree last year. That was weird. I don't know where he got it from but, he's lucky I didn't pee under it.
Hmm...maybe this year I should.
Here I am snacking on the spider before Mama caught me. Darn. Spiders are yummy.

Tuesday, October 25


I had to stay home today and protect the house. I slept the whole time so I don't know if anyone tried to come in. The guy who throws envelopes in the door came and I growled at him. He comes here nearly everyday. He carries a big black bag and he always walks on the grass. I don't like him coming here and I let him know!
Besides him nobody tried anything. They must know better. I am small but, my bark is very big.
Mama and Papa came home and they bought me a new toy!!!
I must be a fantastic guard dog.
Who knew?

Monday, October 24

I conquered my fear!

I finally went out to the porch to deal with those orange things. They certainly have multiplied. I wonder why Mama never one of them to the vet to get that operation I had last year.
I think she needs to take them!
Everytime I go outside there are our house and ALL around the neighbourhood.
Anyhow, I decided they are pretty harmless as well as useless.
Even I don't want to eat them.

Sunday, October 23

I'm ALL good

I'm back people. Feeling great. Yesterday was just a minor setback. I went for a walk, ate today, played, jumped , barked and cuddled ....back to myself.


Saturday, October 22

Not feeling so hot

Feeling under the weather today and on top of that the weather sucks too! I hate getting wet. It is yucky and wet and cold and I don't feel good.
Just want to cuddle up on the couch with Mama. Mama took me out for a while and I was sick. I have not been crated in the truck for so long that ...I suppose I need to get used to it again. Usually Mama carries me in her lap in the truck but, she cannot do that when she is driving.
Between you and me she can't chew gum and drive at the same time either.
I'm going to bed. Mama just put out my vitamin for me. I better take it. Bye

Friday, October 21

Blah weather

I HATE this weather we are having. Instead of a long walk I go for a lot of short ones. This is reaking havoc on my pooping system. I am having a hard time adjusting to this new "rush because it is cold" kind of system. I like to take my time.
I want it to be nice weather again....
Oh, I checked on the orange things...still there on the porch. So far they havn't touched my treats so I am not going to worry anymore.

Thursday, October 20

Orange everywhere.

Those big orange things are everywhere. I don't know how Mama and Papa have not noticed. Yesterday there were two on our porch, today four. Mama took me for a walk and I noticed them everywhere! They are on porches and balconies and steps and driveways. I wonder if this is some kind of invasion?
They seem harmless but, maybe they sleep all day and attack at night! Good thing I sleep with Mama and Papa. They will protect me and if not the orange things will eat them first cuz they are bigger.

Wednesday, October 19


All of the sudden these two orange things are living on our porch . I just noticed them today. They are big and right in front of the door. They are pretty useless too since I don't think they are edible.......Mama and Papa just go on like it's a normal day around here and aren't bothered at all by these things. I am! What if they need affection or even and they take some of mine! I am very worried about this. I know I have a whole snack cupboard of my own and it's full but, that those are my treats!I guess as long as they stay on the porch and don't get inside it should be ok. I ain't sharing any of my beds neither!!!

Tuesday, October 18


Mama went to work again today! I never thought she was going to come back. I was depressed and clung to Papa just in case he got any wise ideas to abandon me too. Luckily he did not but, he was busy. Mama made a great dinner and I got some. She sure felt guilty for leaving me and gave me lots and lots and lots and lots of kisses.
Woman get a grip.
Anyway, sure glad she is back and able to cater to me as it should be.
Love my Mama.

Monday, October 17


Today was horrible. I just want tomorrow to come and this darn day to end already.
Mama went to work and left me all day with Papa. Papa's my buddy but, he was so busy with work he did not take me for a walk, he only let me in the backyard several times. I can't always do number two out there, if you know what I mean - I'm picky like that. Somedays I need to go for a walk to do it. Anyhow, long story short and save you the gory details, I had some problems. Stinky ones. Mama took me for a walk and I finally went but, it was..........difficult.
The walk was short and now it's raining and she won't take me for another walk.

Going to bed. Not happy and my bum bum hurts and the house stinks so bad I can't even take it.

Sunday, October 16

All is right with the world...again.

My tummy is doing backflips. Have I mentioned how much I love my Mama and Papa??? Boy, they really came through. Must be Christmas or something although last year at Christmas they had this big green tree in the house. No tree but, sure is Christmas for me!!!

Mama put a towel down for me and I got to chow down!

My tail was actually wagging WHILE I was eating. I was so happy. I still am. I may be this happy forever!

My eyes may be yellow in this photo but, YOURS are green with envy I'll bet. Have you ever seen a more beautiful hunk of meat?
Mama just said Brad Pitt. What's that? Never heard of that cut but, I'll be happy to try it.

Saturday, October 15


I'm pretty sure I've been had. I was promised prime rib. I got chicken today and a little fish just to taste. Yes, I love chicken but, Papa kept going on about this prime rib. I sulked most of the day until they figured it out and Papa said we are having it tomorrow.
Mama took me out for long walk and I sulked then also. I kept lying down and being overly dramatic when the wind blew in my face. I am a really good drama queen. Mama ended up picking me out and carried me for a while. I felt guilty and when she put me back down I walked the whole way. Mama got new slippers that her friend Audrey knitted for her. Papa got some too. I luckily found one of Papa's just laying around and I brought it upstairs so that I could chew it in private but, I was discovered!!!! Darn those creaky floors.
Anyhow, tomorrow Papa better come through for me......if he ever wants to see his slipper again.

Friday, October 14


Just because I don't work all week doesn't mean I am not glad it is finally Friday. Ask Mama. She barely worked this week. I was happy though cuz she spent loads of time with me. We have gone for long walks all week and visiting and doing what we do .... But, I am glad the weekend is here. Why you ask? Two words................PRIME RIB.
I heard Papa say he was going to cook a big one this weekend. You see even though people think dogs can't understand words there are certain ones that genetically make us salivate....PRIME RIB are two of those words.
I can barely contain myself. I am going to be the best little pooch ever until that sucker goes into the oven. I will be on my best behavior. I may even come when I am called .....or will that be too suspicious that I am sucking up?
Who are we kidding.........I'm gonna get some even if I tear up Papa's smelly slipper or poop in one of Mama's boots.......which she won't wear until winter....ew...stinky.
I don't need to do these's a sure thing I'M GETTING PRIME RIB.

Thursday, October 13

The object of my affections.

I love tennis balls. I have tons of them and they are all very special to me. I was playing today upstairs in my poodle room and this ball went under the bed. I sulked and sat on the floor staring at it until Mama came to rescue it. I get so distraught when my tennis balls go under the tv or the coffee table or the dining room table or the bed or under the deck. Sometimes Mama or Papa will get it for me and I zoom it back under something with my nose. They keep getting it for me. I pretend it's not fun to watch these two cater to my every whim. Papa has caught on and he keeps saying he is not going to get the ball anymore if I put it underneath something AND He continues to get it while he's saying this to me.
Mama on the other hand thinks I am so innocent and that I would never do something like that on purpose.
Well, that's kinda true. The first couple of times it was an accident until I saw how easily Mama or Papa would go get it for me....then it turned into HOURS of amusement.

Wednesday, October 12

That's the end of it!

I had the last of that big chicken today. It was so yummy. I savored it. Just in time too cuz Mama watched some show about obesity in dogs and now she is on some rampage where I can only have one or two treats a day.
I am calling the humane society. She can't do this! This is starvation! A growing girl like me needs to eat. And often.
I wish I could reach Mama and Papa's snack cupboard, cuz I gotta tell ya IT'S FULL TO THE RIM, The door doesnt't even close.
This won't last long. I'll rebel. I'll go on a hunger strike. No I won't .......that would be stupid ...actually I 'll think of something else to get them back.Why should I punish myself? I need to keep my strength up ESPECIALLY if I am only allowed one measly dog biscuit and a denta bone per day.

Tuesday, October 11

Guilty Pleasures.

Mama went to work today for a full day! Papa went golfing! I was alone for a good six hours at least! The nerve!
I REALLY gave Mama a good guilt trip when she finally sauntered through the door. I must have been really convincing too. She gave me lots of the left over turkey and a piece of hot dog AND a treat! So, I didn't let on that Papa had already left me two treats before he left. Seems the old man was guilty too!
I hear Mama talking about Hallowe'en a lot lately. I sure hope it's another holiday where you get that big chicken stuff called turkey.
I think there is a little bit left for my lunch tomorow. I have to go to sleep so that tomorrow comes fast and lunch time comes faster.

Monday, October 10


What did Mama do with that big honking chicken we had yesterday? I want some more!

Sunday, October 9

Things I am Thankful for

We had Thanksgiving dinner today. Papa put some bread and herbs in the biggest chicken I ever saw in my life and we all ate it. It was so yummy! I wagged my tail with pleasure all day. Mama told me we should all be thankful and it was some kind of holiday where we are grateful for what we have and who are in our lives. So, in the occasion of this event I would like to share what I am grateful for:
1) BIG honking chickens like the one we had today!!
2) Little chickens cuz they taste good too
3) My Mama and Papa who love me so much and give me TLC....treats, love and chicken
4) For Mama picking up my poop and wiping my bum sometimes when I need her too
5) For Papa who plays ball with me every day
6) For all my toys who put up with regular beatings from me
7) For everyone who loves me and cuddles me and tells me how cute I am
8) I am very grateful I was picked by my Mama and Papa to come and live with them..... I can bet my brothers and my sister don't have their own room wherever they went!
9) The groomer who even though I hate going there, she keeps me healthy, clean and tangle free.
10) That cupboard in the kitchen full of treats for moi.
11) My own room and all my beds and all my toys
12) Big honking chickens............with gravy....AND all the fixings!
Last but, not least, thanks for reading my blog.

Saturday, October 8

Revolving door of visitors!

Mama went out again! She left with two trays of cupcakes. I was not too happy about that. How come I never got a cupcake? Anyhow, stayed home with Papa and lots of different people came over. Mostly to watch the television. A bunch of men were running around with sticks chasing a black puck on some slippery stuff. Papa was going wild and yelling at the television. I don't think the men chasing the black thing could hear him. Papa's friends who came by were doing it too.
It was too much for me. Too noisy and I stayed in my crate most of the night. Well, until the pizza delivery guy came.

Friday, October 7

I'm a diva

I don't like the rain and it rained today. Mama took me for a walk regardless and I got soaked which means she got soaked which means she came home with my muddy paw prints all over her white t-shirt. Hey, if she is foolish enough to wear white on a rainy day then I have no pity for her. I slept pretty much all through the rest of the day. Rainy days make me sleepy. Sleepy and hungry. Hmmm, wonder what's for dinner.

Thursday, October 6

Mama withdrawl

It seems Mama has some darn part time job. She was gone today for 6 whole hours! Papa was home with me but, I moped the whole time.
Mama came home and I licked her face....mmmm... a hint of salmon I detected....she was eating without me?
She's got a heck of a lot of nerve that woman.
But, I love her so much. I was her shadow the rest of the night and lay on her lap. Even when she was on the computer doing some stupid celebrity blog she does sometimes.
My blog is better. Mine is about real people and real life.
None of this so and so is cheating on so and so and so and so is pregnant but, so and so is gay so so and so is the father and so and so had a breakdown.
Who cares?
I want a cookie.

Wednesday, October 5

My poor toys!

Mama washed my toys today. Yes, you heard me right. I get them dirty sometimes and she cleans them once a week. She also goes through this major inspection process where she has to check each one to make sure the stuffing is not coming out or a plastic eye is loose or something potentially dangerous is within my reach.
This bothers me.
I know she loves me and this is for my safety but, when I see her collect all my things and put them in the laundry bin I panic. I always think she is going to throw them away or give them to another dog somehow.
This photo is just ONE of many baskets around the house with my toys in them. I am very attached to my toys. Mama sticks them in the wash and they spin around to oblivion! How they make it out of there in one piece boggles my little mind. (And it's not little cuz I'm dumb, it's little cuz I'M LITTLE......Let's get that straight)
Anyhow, they are coming out of the dryer....gotta go make sure there are no casulties!!!

Tuesday, October 4


Please, please I am begging you ..... DO NOT TELL MY MAMA....that these are on sale right now....and available everywhere.

She is already asking me what I want to be for Hallowe'en!
SOMEONE TELL HER I AM A DOG! (EXCEPT for when it comes to food, walks, playing, eating, sleeping, cuddling, and snacks) But, other than that I am a DOG.

She can't make me............can she??

Monday, October 3

Stuffing everywhere!

I was having a grand time playing with my toys when suddenly one of them burst open! It was full of some white stuff. I thought I won some kind of toy lottery! I was so excited. I took all the white stuffing out and ran around my poodle room. Mama was busy on the computer and did not notice. She kept calling me and I did not listen.
Finally Mama came to check on me and there I was surrounded in white stuffing. Mama scolded me and said something about knowing I was up to no good cuz I was so quiet.
Anyhow, she picked up all the stuffing and took my toy away!!! I followed her around trying to see what she was going to do with it but, she was too fast.
I hope she didn't throw it away.
I better find it or she is going to be missing a shoe or a sock or under garments is she ever decides to wear any.
Oops. I probably shouldn't of told you that.
By the way, Mama's undergarments have some kind of stuffing in them too. But, she won't let me play with them.

Sunday, October 2

I'm Easy like Sunday morning.

Hugh Hefner may start a PLAYDOG magazine if he sees this pose! This is how I lounge around and much how I spent the day today.
The weather was fantastic and so Mama and I went for a very long walk. We had a nice time. Glad to get away from the house - especially cuz I kept getting in trouble today.
"CHELSEA! Don't rip the grass!", "CHELSEA! Get away from that bug right now!" , "CHELSEA! Get that tissue paper out of your mouth!"
I mean really, when are these people gonna cut me some slack. I am a dog. That is what dogs do. We are cute and loveable primarily but, we also do silly things that make no sense. Well, to humans anyhow.
I had chicken drumsticks for dinner and even got a bit of macaroni and cheese so I couldn't of been all that bad of a dog today. I know they still love me. Mama kisses me constantly and Papa let me chew on his smelly sock.

Saturday, October 1

Someone to watch over me.

This morning I got up and immediately ran to the poodle room. My cousin Lisa slept over last night. Hey she wasn't in the bed! I ran downstairs and there she was watching tv. I licked her face for a long time cuz that is how I say "Good Morning", I also say Hello, How are you, Goodbye, Goodnight, I'm hungry, I want water, I need a snack, I have to poop, I need to pee, I want to play, I love you lots, I have an itch, I'm bored and Nice to meet you by licking also.
I spent all day with Lisa. Papa went to play golf and Mama went to see a show with her friends. Lisa is a lot like me. She likes to play a lot and lie on the couch. Except she plays video games and I play real life action games involving tennis balls and furry stuffed toys.
I had a great time and then her mom came and took her home. I looked around for her a while and then realized she was really gone.
I hope she comes back again! Especially cuz Mama and Papa always have lots of snacks and pizza whenever my cousins come by.
Oh, another reason to lick them. Crumbs!