Memoirs Of A Spoiled Poodle

Chelsea the canine supermodel shares her daily diary with you. SIT. STAY. GOOD BLOG!

Friday, December 30

My Resolutions for 2006

I hear that you silly humans make resolutions every year. So I decided I too perhaps should par-take in this strange yet, interesting ritual. So here it goes....

1) I will dig up all the bones I have hidden in the back yard this year and bring them into the house for safe keeping. Then I will decide that the bones in fact are not safe and will re dig them outside. I will repeat. And repeat.

2) I will politely wait until Mama is ready to take me for a walk instead of following her around the house hanging my head in a depressed state while she asks me what's wrong 50 million times.

3) I will only chew on Papa's old stinky socks and not the nice new ones he just got for Christmas. (Even though I know they are in the laundry basket this very minute calling my name)

4) I will reluctantly not hog the space in the bed between Mama's head and Papa's head. I personally don't think I will last until January 4th but, hey I'm willing to give it a shot at least.

5) I will try and eat my own food on occasion to make it look like I am not a mooch.'s hard to pretend to enjoy something that's 50 cents a can when there's a three dollar chicken breast piping hot fresh out of the oven in da house.

6) I will still wake up Mama every morning with lots of kisses but, I'll try to refrain from swatting her across the face when she doesn't respond fast enough. For some reason she doesn't like my added personal touch.

7) I will really try to stop beating up all my stuffed toys. Especially all my kitty cats. I really do love them. The rough housing is just a show for Mama and Papa. You know the "look at me I'm a big, tough, dog now" act. Truth is - when nobody's around I lick those toys and am very tender. I'll have to try and show them my sensitive side more often this year. Except maybe for that purple dinosaur. He's been asking for a smack for a while now....

8) I will get that mailman if it's the last thing I do.

9) To eat as many treats as possible in the shortest time possible. Well, I already do that, but, I like to be consistent.

10) To keep on BLOGGING in the free world!


Thursday, December 29

The Amazing Chelsea

Mama and Papa should really enter me in a talent contest. I can do so many things. I can walk on my hind legs, stop a rolling ball with my paw, scare away the mailman with two high pitch barks and a growl. The neighbourhood is in love with my girlish charm. I sit, stay, wait, lie down, give a paw, give two paws all on command. I do especially well when motivated by food. I am even talented when I play. I use my stuffed animals to push my tennis balls around the house. They give it that extra hmmmpft for a perfect roll across the room. What I am known for though is my specialty.......I make chicken disappear.
Yep. I'm a master.

Wednesday, December 28

Slush sucks

I really don't like when the snow gets all mushy. My paws get wet and then I get matted fur and it is really irritating. Like when humans get tangles. It hurts. I do love going for my walks and visits, it's a small price to pay I guess. When I come home I have to wait at the door (which I am very good at - especially because I usually get a little treat for doing so) so that Mama or Papa can wrap me in my blanket and dry off my paws. Mama recently figured out that a blanket works way better than a towel. The blanket dries me so much faster and also warms me up. Mama brushed me out so I feel so much better than you could pawsibly imagine.

Tuesday, December 27

I want your socks.

This is my newest obsession. The laundry basket. Seeing as I am a dog now and no longer a sissy little puppy dog, I have acquired a distinct canine behavior. I love socks but, only ones that have been worn. I am obsessed with getting them out of the laundry and playing with them. Mama finds a trail of socks sometimes all over the house. Papa even got a lot of socks for Christmas seeing as so many have gone missing. And I know they blame me. I get blamed for pretty much everything that goes on around here. Anyhow, I think Mama's doing laundry tomorrow so I better get digging in that basket while the digging's still good.


Monday, December 26

Boxing day?

Mama says it's boxing day? What does that mean? I thought there would be more boxes under that magic tree that kept dropping presents into our living room but, I've been checking all day. No more presents. Maybe Papa is expecting a big boxing match on TSN tonight? Or maybe they call it boxing day because all those crazy people go shopping all at once and fight for a parking spot? (Hey, I saw the footage on Global news...) me. I really don't understand all these human traditions. Unless ofcourse they involve food and me. Anyhow, I gotta go and guard the tree just in case I get any more presents and take another inventory of my toys just to make sure they are all still there.

Sunday, December 25

Thanks Santa Paws!

I have been waiting for this day for so long! I have been smelling the best treat smells wrapped up under our tree for a while and I finally got to open them all! First Papa had to help me open them.

But, I' m a quick learner and in no time I was ripping those babies open on my own!

I was completely thrilled as the gifts were just getting better and better!

I got a bone, a tug toy and two new balls which I love from Mama and Papa's friends. Who are now my friends...coincidentally.

This is what I bought Mama among a bunch of other doggie related stuff. She must really love them because she's been wearing them all day!

I got so many new stuffed animals from Santa that my toy basket is spilling over!

I bought Papa a bunch of stuff too. Mostly socks cuz I like when he gets them all stinky and then gives them to me to play with. I guess you could say they are for both of us.

Opening presents is so much fun!

I really love this human tradition called Christmas. I don't get 99% of what humans do but, this ritual I really like...I wish it was everyday!

I played with all my new toys equally, careful not to ignore any of them.

Most especially the food ones! Oooh, one of my faves...bone marrow snacks!

Occasionally, I make sure to take inventory of all my toys and Christmas is no exception! One of my favorite presents was a purple poodle. I beat him up and roughed him around. These toys need to know who's house this is before they get all comfortable.

I tried to keep my toys in one spot while the gift opening was happening. Mama had one too many eggnogs (she only had one but, for her, that's the ONE too many) and I was afraid she would mix her gifts with mine.

My stocking was full of snacks. Snacks and a box of poo pick up bags. Those must be for Mama cuz I don't pick up my own poo. I have people for that. Mama is those people.

I protected my stocking for a while. It contained all my favorites....Pup-paroni sticks, dentabones, rollovers ....ah, I am convinced Santa Paws is real and is a dog. Who else could know exactly what another dog wants ????

Oooh, I loved this present too! This one was a new dog bowl which means more dog food at some point! Woohoo bring it on!

Another toy! A reindeer! This one was kind of silly looking but, I did like it very much. I think it squeaks too! I hope Santa Paws knows one of his reindeer is missing!!

I was snooping at my other gifts while Mama and Papa opened their gifts in between. I knew EXACTLY which ones were mine. I am a poodle. We are smart you know!!!

In all my excitement suddenly I realized that I had opened all of my presents. I kept looking around for more.

I even searched Mama and Papa's eyes trying to see if maybe they were hiding more treats from me. They weren't cuz Mama let me have some samples of my stocking and I was quite happy with that.

I am exhausted. Opening presents and trying to play with them all at once is exhausting!! I am tired now and need to rest up. My dreaded Christmas sweater is out which can only mean that we are either having company or going out. I don't see Mama or Papa running around so I can only assume we are going out. I better take a nap and put my toys away. THANKS Santa Paws this was my best Christmas ever!!!

Friday, December 23

My letter to Santa

Mama suggested I write a letter to Santa Clause. She says he will get me stuff I want. I don't know who he is but, I like him already. So here goes........

Thursday, December 22

Christmas should be every day!

Papa was wrapping up a big nyla bone for me and I happened to walk in the room while he was holding it. Ofcourse I freaked! Where did he get that I wondered as I licked my chops. Bottom line, I gave him the eyes and next thing I was all mine.
I heard Papa telling Mama it's a good thing he bought me another one just like it and I can open that one on Christmas. Oooh, I can hardly wait. I spent half the evening chewing on it and the other half trying to hide it from Mama. Have you seen that woman eat? I don't trust her. She would gobble it up before I could bark "Hey! Give that back to me!"
Time to go do some serious chomping!

Wednesday, December 21

WOW. I am so excited. Mama came home with all these bags. She was wrapping some stuff in paper and I saw some toys! They look like my type of toys! When Mama was done wrapping them all...and there are LOTS of em...I ofcourse had to investigate right away. A couple of them smell like my favorite treats! These better be for me cuz now I am just itching to rip this stuff open. I kind of remember this happened last year and I got lots of presents. I am just praying there aren't any stupid Christmas sweaters in one of those packages. I got one last year from somebody named Santa and I hate it. Mama always makes me wear it during the holidays. It's itchy, ugly and tacky. I feel like one of those old ladies at Bingo that wears those Holiday sweaters.
I guess it would be worth wearing if those presents really are for me. Mama bought Papa a couple of gifts on my behalf which was very thoughtful of her. Besides, I can't shop, they won't allow me in the mall and besides.... where would I put Mama's bank card??? And don't say in the pocket of my Christmas sweater.........

Tuesday, December 20

That Mama!

Mama's too tired to type my blog for me and my paws hurt from the snow. No blog today. Sorry peeps.


Monday, December 19

What a difference a day makes.

I had a rough night. I threw up. Mama had to lie with me on the kitchen floor all night. My tummy was sore. I really didn't throw up very much but, I was under the weather. Mama overfed me and so did Papa. Apparently the two didn't consult each other and I had to pay the price. I am way better now. Playing, running, eating...but, only limited to my own food for a while. Dang it.
I am going to bed early. Need to catch up on my beauty sleep and by the looks of Mama...she desperately needs to as well.

Sunday, December 18

I'm a party animal. Literally.

I woke up at noon. I went pee, ate some food then went back to sleep until 3pm. I am so tired. Mama and Papa had a great party last night and I had the best time. Even though Mama spent all day preparing and Papa was the host with the most as he served up some yummy food and drinks....I am the most exhausted. You know why? Although it looks easy, being this cute is actually a lot of work. I schmoozed my way across the room. I cuddled with as many people as I could. Just trying to keep up with who's eating and when they eat takes a lot of effort. There are always those opportune moments when someone drops a piece of food. When a lot of people are all eating at once it's like an obstacle's the equivalent of the doggy olympics. I have to be at my top physical peak at all times. I especially had fun with my two little playfriends Duncan and Mackenzie. I love them so much. They are gentle and kind and love me too. I really liked everyone at the party and I even got presents! Thanks for my bone Miss Wendy, it's my new favorite toy. To all of you who came, I miss you already. You see, I am in a bit of a depression. I am tired, want to play with the kids and they are not here. Nobody to adore me except Mama and Papa. No offense to them, but, they do that all the time. Sometimes I need adoration from others. Not that Mama and Papa are chopped liver.........hmm.... speaking of chopped liver, I wonder what kind of leftovers we have???

Thursday, December 15

Wow! Lots of white stuff.

Wow it is really white outside. King Kong must have an awful dandruff problem these days....hee hee, excuse my attempt at humor today. I am really, really tired. I mean it. I barely can lift my paw to write this. I am exhausted from sleeping all day. That's try it sometime, it makes you tired. My bed is calling and so is my spot on the bed which is between Mama and Papa's heads....good thing for me those two don't have dandruff.
Til tomorrow peeps.

Wednesday, December 14


Today was my Papa's birthday. He looks great considering he would be 301 years old in doggie years. I bought him a pair of leather gloves. That's the least I could do for him. He plays ball with me everyday and sings me songs when he thinks nobody else can hear. I don't have the heart to tell him that he should stick to the lower notes...besides, I can't talk anyways so he never has to know. My Papa is the best Papa ever. He rubs my hind legs just right...Mama is not the greatest hind leg rubber but, she's better in the tummy rub department. Papa always gives me some of his snack or lunch or dinner. He is really good at sharing. I love him.
Happy Birthday POPS!!!

Tuesday, December 13

Mama's coo coo

I went with Mama and Papa to drop Mama off at work. She has been working a lot lately and I don't like when she's not home but, I like going for the drive! I sit on my SCOOBY DOO blanket (Not shown here) and enjoy the ride on Mama's lap.
Mama kissed me and Papa goodbye (yes, in that order) and she went into the school. Papa was laughing because Mama was still carrying my blankie!!
Mama works at a big school where the kids wear uniforms like Harry Potter. Mama jokes that she is Hermione.
Yeah, right. Does Mama know that Hermione is the SMARTEST character in the series of books?? Hermione would never show up at Hogwarts carrying a Scooby Doo blanket....and if she did she would have an incredibly scientifically genius reason for doing so.
Poor Mama wandered around the school with the blanket just like Ashley on the Young and The Restless did when she went crazy after having her miscarriage.
Mama's a freak but, she's my Mama and I love her more than kibble. Not more than chicken, but, way more than kibble...unless ofcourse we're all out of chicken.

Monday, December 12


Although I was not named after the English soccer team, since Mama and Papa got me in May of 2004 - the team CHELSEA has played incredibly. In fact they may very well win the cup this year. I don't wanna toot my own horn but, I am a darn good little soccer player myself. I can block shots, run like a champ and my defense is stellar. I have some issues about actually giving the ball back when it's no longer in play....but, I'm working on those. I've never got a red card so far so I must be doing something right!!!
And no...I was not named after Bill Clinton's daughter either. Even though my Papa likes to think he is the president of our house and that Mama is Monica Lewinsky.
I was actually named after a poshy, trendy area in both New York and in England. Mama and Papa were living in a trendy part of town when they got me and wanted my name to reflect a trendy, poshy city dog......... and everyone wonders why I am so spoiled. If they wanted just any regular dog they should of named me SPOT. I ain't no spot people and I am living up to my name!!!

Sunday, December 11

Deck the halls

I had a busy weekend. Papa brought home a big tree. I don't know who's yard he stole it from but, I'm pretty sure he's looking at 3 months to a year if he gets caught. Mama put all these balls on it and spent hours hanging all this shiny stuff on the tree. There is a big star on top too. I remember this ritual vaguely from last year. I seem to remember there being a bunch or stuff under it too and I got treats, toys and clothes. I don't see anything under there yet but, you better believe I will be on the lookout. Anyhow, I took inventory of all my toys just to make sure that Mama doesn't try and wrap them up this year to pretend they are new presents. I'm no fool ya know.

Friday, December 9

I'm doing a happy dance!

Mama was right! I had to have my anal sacs drained. Mama and Papa took me to the vet and the dirty deed was done. I shook like a leaf and was terrified. I kept trying to cover my bum bum with my tail so the vet couldn't get in there. The vet told my Mama I give new meaning to the words "Anal Retentive." Then they all had a good laugh on my expense. Grrrrr. Anyhow, I was upset but, now I feel like a million bucks! What a relief! The vet shaved my bum bum in order to do the procedure and I feel so exposed. Like all my goods are on display. I feel dirty but, fresh as a daisy at the same time. I am going to sleep like a baby tonight! I always sleep like a baby. I'm up every two hours!

Thursday, December 8

Pain in the butt.

I have to go to the vet today. I am so scared. My bum bum hurts and I have become obsessed with it in the last little while. Mama and Papa don't know what is wrong so they are taking me to get checked out. Mama and Papa cuddled me all night last night to let me know they are worried. I think I just need my anal sacs squeezed. Yes, that is very common in small dogs. I won't give you any more details because if I do I may try and runaway to avoid going. I don't even want to think about it. If you are curious you can ask Mama, I am sure she will be glad to give you all the nasty details. Maybe you should just do a google on the words "anal sac", there is a chance that you may get some other weird websites but, that is another story.
Anyhow, don't take your bum bum for granted! Go see a doctor if you need to!

Wednesday, December 7

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!!

I love the snow. I cannot get enough! I love running through it, pushing my nose in it and jumping over it.
But, only if it is not cold. I don't like the cold but, I like snow.
I once heard Mama say that Kate Moss likes snow. Who's Kate Moss?
Anyhow, here I am! There I go!

Running on the stairs isn't as easy as it used to be. Those treats must be catching up with me but, don't tell Mama. I can run up the stairs REALLY good when Mama's waving a snack at me! (Funny how these things work)

Oops, not all snow is white. Some is yellow. It's like a magical power I have. I wonder if Harry Potter can do that??

Tuesday, December 6

I'm no Maddox

Mama keeps saying she is Angelina and I am Maddox. I ain't Maddox, she is neglecting my blog. Hers seems to be more important these days! I guess I am Maddox afterall and her darn blog is like Zahara, taking all of my spotlight.

I am going to have a talk with Braddy, otherwise known as Papa. Mama doesn't even have photos to upload of me. This calls for an intervention!!! My blog must come first. Who cares about stupid celebrities with lots of surgery and money. I am the light of her life, the apple of her eye, the skip in her step, fruit of her loom....well, you get the picture.
Except you don't get a picture cuz Mama needs to snap out of it and snap some photos!!!
Apparently she had a bunch but, lost them when what's his face computer guy screwed up our computer before we actually got someone who knew what they were doing.
I think the bad computer guy's name was numb nuts. At least that's what Papa called him. Interesting name for a human.